Barack Obama
"THANKS, OBAMA..." ~Literally Everyone Barack Obama (also known as Barry Obama, Barry Soetero, Rocky Obama, "the Rock", Barack fucking '''Hussein' Obama II) was a long-ago Awesome king of the mythical land of America. Not much is known about him now because all is dead, but historians have uncovered ancient secrets about his rule. Scrolls, tomes, and webpages reveal what his life and times must have been like. Historians and archaeologists disagree on much, but err on the side of accepting all the contradictory texts of this controversial figure. It is just easier that way. Before Obama was born, liberal billionaire George Soros used his contacts with the Nazis during WW II eugenics project to create a super race after the war in Argentina. Soros was determined to perpetuate his own genes but in an improved form through a part clone, part engineered child. Soros provided funding for the Nazi doctors to create the genetically altered super child. To set up a false trail, Soros bribed officials at the Queens Hospital in Hawaii to submit a fake birth certificate, using Lebanese spy Ann Dunham, and Marxist Barack Obama as stand-in parents. This of course explains the secret CIA DNA results that Barack Obama II is not genetically related to his grandparents. The story that Obama was born at two different hospitals was to divert suspicion from any one hospital. Sarah Obama was also coerced under threat of death to make the infamous tape saying Obama was born in Kenya, to obscure the fact that the cells were actually cloned in a laboratory in Argentina. This super child origin explains Obama’s championship basketball skills, as well as his charismatic, hypnotic control over people. Barack Obama was then born a fully formed twenty-something-year-old in the American state of Hawaii, which is located in Kenya, which makes him a British citizen. He was schooled in Hawaii's prominent Indonesian academies, where he learned to be an ''anti-colonialist like his father, Malcolm X the King of Africa, who was not around but his Muslim step-father was. Or he dreamed of his father. Or something. He hated all colonialists who took advantage of their colonies, which may be why he decided to be born in Hawaii, and would explain his later political moves; he would decide to become President of the United States for the same reasons that George Washington did; to keep King George off our backs. His step-grandmother admitted that her step-son, Barack Obama, was born in Kenya, and later evidence uncovered that Barack Obama had been adopted and actually born in Canada. Thus he was not a real citizen, but a usurper to the throne of the Oval Office, just like Chester A. Arthur. And Hawaii isn't even a state! One or more of his parents may have been an alien. His mother, his father, his step-father, his grandmother, and all of his mentors were noted Communists. This is when a troubled young man Barack Obama turned to marijuana and basketball. He was in a black gang called the 'Choom Gang' which would listen to Blue Oyster Cult and hotbox their cars. : "Hawaii of the early 1970s was something of a pot-smoking Mecca," says Jonathan Karl at ABC News. "It was sold and smoked right there in front of your nose" because that is how it is done. : All the smoking didn't affect the president's studies. According to Maraniss, he told the Choom Gang that the key to performing well on tests after lighting up was to put the textbook under your pillow the night before an exam. "No way, dude!" says Karl. While in this gang he discovered his first Powers; total absorption, roof hits, and interceptions. They would also light their farts on fire, wrestle in their underwear, and take bong hits from a three foot crimson bong. This would be important training for the future president. It is unknown if it was before or after his days in the Choom gang that teenager Barack Obama became a space adventurer. Nevertheless it is obviously true that at some point he was recruited by DARPA and the NSA for secret missions that saw him traversing time and space to our neighboring planet of Mars. Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings insisted that they once served as “chrononauts” at Darpa’s behest, with a youthful Barack Obama with them, in a hidden CIA intergalactic program hosted at a California community college in 1980. As “Barry Soetero,” the 19-year-old Obama was one of 10 youths selected to secretly teleport to and from Mars, forming a band of interplanetary Teen Titans. Regina Dugan, the director of Darpa, was another member. Barry Obama abused his time-travel powers to plant the name of "Soetoro Moestabjab" on class registries in 1963, to a school he would not attend until 1981, in order to make himself look more foreign later. Between 1981 and 1983, Obama visited Mars twice, by way of a teleportation chamber called a “jump room.” Basiago, a fellow chrononaut, told the website Exopolitics that he saw Obama “walk back to the jump room from across the Martian terrain.” To acknowledge his comrade, Obama is said to have told Basiago, “We’re here” — apparently, “with some sense of fatalism.” The CIA wished to “establish a defense regime protecting the Earth from threats from space” as well as a legal claim to “territorial sovereignty,” making Obama something of a Martian conquistador. Obama’s CIA handlers needed him to “acclimate Martian humanoids and animals to their presence” in order to secure the U.S.-Martian alliance. “Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten,” an elder chrononaut, retired Army Maj. Ed Dames told a young Obama. Obama may have had some hand in the assassination of president John F. Kennedy, due to the prediction he made about Obama's future: "are moving so fast in race relations, a Negro could be president in 40 years … There is no question about it. In the next 40 years a Negro can achieve the same position that my brother had." ''-the Washington Post, May 27, 1968.''' He eventually moved to Chicago, Kenya to pursue his law degree and community organize. This required him to forge every document from his longform birth certificate to his selective services card, and them implant them into government records offices. It was in Chicago that he was brainwashed by anti-white pastors, terrorists from the Weathermen Underground, socialists, anarchists, Maoists, Marxists and... I don't know... fuck, a nazi or two, why not? Basically, if it's evil and we don't like it, Barack Obama is ''it. After getting his law degree at Harvard, Kenya, he became a civil rights attorney... which is somehow evil... or good... but... um... he did that. His meteoric rise only continued to precipitate faster, to state senator, US Senator, and soon thereafter president. It was so fast, in fact, that there is no feasible, logical, physical way that he could have done this, without the help of the Illuminati, the Reptilian aliens, Bildebergers, Trilateralists, sleeper cell terrorists, Soviet spies, or all of the above. As president, he promised to be the most transparent president ever, to fight for progressive goals, to help the poor and downtrodden, to end the war in Afghanistan, to close the extrajudicial Guantanamo Bay prison, to investigate former presidential crimes of wiretapping, fraud, and torture, and to cease such activities. Once elected, however, LOL, no. Immediately upon entering the Oval Office, Barack Obama's mind was lost to Power Madness. He now controlled an armada of death robots. He enstated a system of Youth Brigades. He forced citizens into re-education camps. He began subjecting citizens to death panels. He fist-bumped his wife in some secret Illuminati symbol. He deported record levels of immigrants. He prosecuted record numbers of whistleblowers. He investigated journalists. He assigned corporatist fascists to suck money from the Public trust into the private coffers of special business interests, instead of helping the common man and middle class by stimulating growth programs to fight the recession. He killed American citizens overseas without due process or trial, including a 16-year-old boy. He smoked cigarettes. He aborted every baby he felt like. He staged false flag school shootings to gin up support for gun control. He had confiscated every gun from every American by 2010. He murdered Andrew Breitbart. he bulldozed beloved Leader Ronald Reagan's childhood hom. He refused to wear an American flag pin. He refused to hold his had over his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance. He refused throw a football. He went on an apology tour to other countries, even bowing before his Communist Chinese overlords. He demanded military servicemen swear oaths to him personally. He used weather machines to create Hurricane Sandy to defeat his 2012 rival. He sought a third term. He offered 'free stuff' to voters amenable to such bribery, and mind controlled the rest. He had a gay lover. He put subliminal messages in his speeches to 'Serve Satan.' He even gave American citizens easier access to health care. HE'S A MONSTER! In fact, Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 for bombing so many brown babies in other countries. In 2011, Barack Obama himself and a highly trained team of Special Ops black forces infiltrated a compound in Pakistan and killed Osama Bin-Laden. Even though Bin-Laden had already been dead for four years, and is still alive and living in Paris. It should also be worth noting that Obama is one letter off from Osama and that they are, in fact, the same person. They pretended to bury history's greatest monster at sea, because that's what he would have wanted even though it is forbidden by Muslim law. Obama then confiscated Osama's large pornography collection for his own personal use. Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein, just like my dry cleaner. Coincidence? Barack Hussein Obama wanted set Iran up the bomb, and help the Palestinians, while at the same time being part of the Jewish Zionist Israeli conspiracy. Apparently, playing both sides against each other in some atheistic, Satanistic ritual. No Christ. It was around this time that Barack Hussein Obama, acting as the Anti-Christ, forced every citizen to recieve the mark of the Beast on their left hand in order to buy and sell goods. The NSA, FBI, DHS, CIA, TSA, and the Treasury Dept. were tracking and policing every human on the planet at all times, while the few remaining 'good' government agencies like the US Postal Service were defunded and weakened. The Department of Education was renamed 'the Department of Re-Education.' Barack Hussein Obama II B+A- R-A+C* K*H+ U+ S* S-E+I+ N- O+B+A* M*A+I+I = 666 2+1-18-1+3*11*8+21+19*19-5+9+14-15+2+1*13*1+9+9 = 666 I mean, c'mon, sheeple. Think about it. What's the most logical explanation? That people voted for Obama because they wanted change, that they voted for Obama because the Republican message was outmoded and ineffective, or that it was a massively complex and totally secret New World Order hoax to hypnotically mind control everyone? I think you know the right answer. And if you don't, it's because you're either blinded to the truth, or you are in on it. The Supreme Court was in on it. Any independent fact checkers are in on it. ANYBODY WHO DISAGREES WITH THE CONCLUSIONS OF CONSPIRACY ARE IN ON IT!!!!! Also in 2012, Obama's White House began construction on a Death Star, which once fully operational would be capable of destroying the entire planet; which was already a goal of Obama's as evidenced by defunding the EPA and allowing the Keystone-XL Pipeline. The Death Star would make a fine compliment to his array of death drones and laser satelites. Barack Obama uses his psychic powers to force innocent white police officers to shoot unarmed black men to death, so that Obama can 'racialize' the country and distract from #Benghazi. #NeverForget #Voltramax. It is unknown if Obama was simply acting on behalf of the Lizard Men and Satan, or if he himself was a Lizard Man and/or the Anti-Christ. Secret Bible codes reveal that it was definitely one of those two. When Barack Obama decided to do away with democracy and crown himself king, he had fully been seduced by the Dark Side, becoming exactly the sort of evil tyrant he had sworn to fight against. He had gone from earnest young pot-smoking progressive activist to left-leaning liberal civil rights attorney to centrist politician to center-right candidate to far-right reactionary conservative. The transformation was complete. Historians know that the above is a true account of Barack Obama's presidency, because Barack Obama himself had any untrue accounts scrubbed from the record of the internet during and after five terms in office. Versions of Barack Obama Category:Awesomes Category:Douchey Awesomes Category:Time Travelers Category:Kings Category:Presidents For Life Category:Demons Category:Most Powerful Character